Wow this is the year 2010. A year that represents change, fearlessness, selfless love, acceptance, freedom, forgiveness, sacrifice and lastly friendship. I am turning 40 years old this month of May. I am okay with this, maybe because I am told so very often by people other than my family and obligated friends ” You look at least 28″. This is not why 2010 is such a thrilling year for me though. The real reason is because it is the culmination of 5 years of being Jaden’s Mother.
I found myself coming to terms with the fact that the first two years of my son’s life ” I was basically f**ked” . My body, mind and spirit were no longer mine but belonged to this precious little being that could only function, grow and learn with my undivided dedication, support and love. This translated into sleepless nights, no privacy whatsoever, no running out to meet a friend for a quick cocktail because I felt like it, no spontaneous mind blowing sex with my “still very HOT hubby” ( yes he remained HOT while I fought to lose the 20 pounds that had refused to leave me). I wondered every day then “is this how it was meant to be” ? Come on, the universe above made it this way, it was imprinted into my very being …billions of years of genetic code right ?
As the 3rd year rolled along and Jaden aka The Karate Kid,my loving, amazing son became more self sufficient, things started to ease up a bit, for instance more sleep. meant a bit more energy for movement. This came with more responsibilities , the pressure to be the ” perfect mum” . Jaden had a very active social and activity driven calender, art , music, soccer, karate. Scheduled weekly play-dates, trips to the museums, galleries , so then I became an insane multi-tasker…lets not include trying to make sure my still very HOT hubby[ the Epicurean Man} is happy, well fed and engaged.
Damn if I said in my head more often than I wanted to admit ” I love being a Mum, I just hated doing it” Oh the GUILT from these horrid thoughts and feelings. After all I would do anything for my son, and my dedication was and is never ending, after all I loved being Jaden’s mummy
The Guilt, The Guilt, The Guilt. It capitulated me like a ” mummy”. I just wallowed in what I can only describe as some kind of ” mommy sulking”. Being the over achiever that I am, one day on the playground I ventured out and introduced myself to a few mums. We scheduled a Mummy play date ( the mum’s/kids play). We all met one very hot day at this very cute, sexy french bistro, while the kids drew colorful pictures, we mums had yummy sangria. We laughed, swapped stories of how we really felt, not caring anymore to be judged. That is when I realized as cliche as it sounded it does ” take a village” a wonderful, fabulous ” mummy village” .
And here I am before you all a Mum, who before I had a child, was social, stylish, ambitious, spontaneous. Then came the baby, my life became well ” no longer mine” I had a mountain of guilt for longing for my past life, trapped in the feelings of ” never again will I be able to balance the pre-baby with the post-baby life” . Then I met “THEM” the Mother’s , some were in the same dilemma I was in, some were there and found themselves and got their mojo back. All gave me support and non-judgement and most importantly GUIDANCE.
My son is 4 years old now and thru many, many adventures together and also solo I have found and I am rejoicing in the new MOI. A mother, a wife , a WOMAN. Today I feel joyous, creative, naughty, sensually alive again. I have come to the realization that my personal power and acting upon it is the best gift I can give my son and my husband. I Have found that I CAN BE GUILTLESS AND DARE TO REBEL.
A Guiltless Mom